A Moment of Real

Guys, I want to step away from the usual description of my job and clothes, and take a minute to talk about something going on in my "real" life, the life I normally avoid sharing on the internet. I want to do this for two reasons: first, that this is something I'm thinking about a lot, and that affects many of my decisions, including what I feel like wearing, and second, that this is something many people deal with but few ever talk about. I want to break the silence, in the hopes that others might feel free to do so as well, and less isolated.

Cary and I have been trying to have a baby for nearly three years, obviously with no success. We've seen several doctors and it's far from a hopeless case; in fact, we have a plan and a lot of reasons to be hopeful. I don't want to get into tons of clinical detail, but I do want to say this: you probably know someone who's going through what we're going through, even if you don't know you do, so you need to know what to say to be helpful (or avoid being hurtful).

Infertility is heartbreaking, and infertile couples need sensitivity and compassion from their family and friends more than anything else. Cary and I are blessed with great family and friends who have been supportive every step of the way, but not everyone is. Based on three years of experience, here are my five worst and five best things to say to someone who is struggling with infertility. If you know us in real life and are worried that you might have said some of the five worst things, trust me: you haven't.

Five Worst
1. When are you guys going to have kids? You're not getting any younger.
2. I know this couple who adopted, and then got pregnant right after. Everyone seems to know this couple. I know two of this couple. But adoption is a big deal, and not a way to get pregnant.
3. Just relax and it will happen. This is a medical condition. Relaxing is not going to help.
4. X and Y have ___ kids already. Better catch up!
5. This is all part of God's plan. I'm a Christian, and I believe God has a plan. But hearing this at this point in our journey makes me feel like the person saying it thinks God's plan is for Cary and me to suffer. Just like you wouldn't say this to someone who just lost a loved one, please don't say it to infertile couples.

Five Best

1. I'm so sorry.

2. No, you don't have to come to this baby shower. I understand.

3. I believe you will be parents, one way or another.

4. You're in my prayers.

5. I want to listen, if you need to talk.

Thanks for listening, y'all. The more I talk to other women, the more I find that sooooo many people deal with infertility in one way or another, but so few feel like they can be open about it. I think that's silly. If we all talk about it, maybe we can all feel a little better. If you're going through this and want to talk, please feel free to leave a comment or email me directly at academiasartorial@gmail.com. I'd love to listen if you need to talk.